It’s not easy being an owner in a league that only netted $319 million dollars per team in overall revenue last season. Hell, it’s even harder when your fans demand you to sign more than one 36-year-old pitcher past his prime in free agency or ask you to spend the extra $750,000 to make one of the best pitchers in baseball happy, just ask Milwaukee Brewers owner Mark Attanasio.
It’s a hard life as an MLB owner, especially one that received so much vitriol after he bought an 18% stake in a floundering soccer team in England after refusing to spend money on the popular baseball team he already owns. After all, just because a team draws more interest or makes the playoffs doesn’t mean they make any more money.
The Brewers are barely valued over $1.2 billion after his $223 million purchase in 2005, and Attanasio’s net worth is only $700 million. With so many tough money decisions ahead for Attanasio so he can continue to splurge on old sports cards, here are five ways Milwaukee Brewers owner Mark Attanasio can cut costs so he can go back to enjoying the blue-collar life as an MLB owner.
Changes Milwaukee Brewers Owner Mark Attanasio Can Enact to Save Money
Do you know how expensive it is to keep the bathrooms clean when you have to pay a minimum-wage worker to clean them maybe once a week? It’s not like paper towels grow on trees, these costs all add up. Just because the money won’t end up on the field, it doesn’t mean it’s not important to save. By charging fans to use the bathrooms, Mark Attanasio will not only be able to keep up with the insane costs of bathroom maintenance, but he’ll also be able to keep more eyes on the lackluster product on the field.
Sausage Race PPV
Everything’s behind a paywall nowadays, so why should the Sausage Race be any different? The ticket fans buy is to watch the game, so why should the Milwaukee Brewers owner give anything more? Free entertainment is just leaving money on the counter, and who does that? The sausage races are causing the Brewers to bleed cash. Every penny counts, so for the simple price of $4.99/race, Brewers fans will be able to keep their beloved team afloat.
Stop Running Escalators
Have you seen how much the cost of electricity has jumped this year? What’s the point of running escalators when they’re just stairs anyways? Not only would it force fans to pay a premium for lower-level tickets if they’re too out of shape to walk up a flight of stairs, but it would give Attanasio and the Brewers organization some breathing room. It would be nice if the Brewers could have a little extra cash to splurge on themselves once in a while.
Trade Corbin Burnes to the Chicago Cubs for a Truckload of Peanuts
Corbin Burnes is set to become a free agent after this year and he’s crazy for wanting money as an elite, Cy Young award-winning pitcher. Last year, the Brewers celebrated their all-time attendance passing 100 million people in one of the most generous ways possible. Mark Attanasio reached deep into his pocketbook and offered $6 nosebleed tickets WITH a free $6 concessions credit. With the giveaway, every fan in attendance had almost enough money to buy one bottle of water.
The Brewers need to recoup that money somehow, so why not make a deal to get back into the black? At the end of the day, it’s the fans’ fault they’re even in this position.
If it wasn’t blatantly obvious, this article is dripping with satire. Figure it the hell out, Mark Attanasio. Care about the Milwaukee Brewers at least a little bit.