Every group of friends has at one point asked each other some variation of the question: “Do you think you could take (insert celebrity/animal here) in a fight?” For as often as the question is asked, people rarely bring mascots into the mix. With the WIAC currently in the news, let’s take a look at each mascot and ask if we could take them in a fight.
We will be looking at these fights as a five-round championship UFC fight.
Which WIAC Mascots Could We Take in a Fight?
Blu the Blugold (UW-Eau Claire)
This may be the toughest one to decide. It’s not because it would provide any trouble, but because nobody even knows what the hell a Blugold even is. It took UW-Eau Claire over 50 years to come up with a mascot and, after all of that, they wound up choosing an ambiguous bird. Any bird that isn’t an eagle, hawk or falcon is easy work, especially one that sticks out like a sore thumb.
Fight Result: Win by KO (Round 1)
Stryker the Eagle (UW-La Crosse)
Eagles are nasty animals and their sharp talons are no joke. With that being said, look how flimsy these arms are. Clearly, Stryker doesn’t hit the gym and you have to question if he has the grit required to pull out a win as the fight drags on. He’d do some damage, but when the going gets tough, expect his body to let him down. He won’t win many WIAC mascot fights, but he’s certainly a step up from Blu.
Fight Result: Win by KO (Round 2)
Clash the Titan (UW-Oshkosh)
This is the first fight where the vast majority of people are going to find themselves coming in as the underdog. Clash isn’t jacked, but he’s got that dad strength that’ll surprise you. He’s clearly been in his fair share of fights and he won’t back down no matter what happens. It’ll be a battle of wills, and I don’t think a Titan is going to lose that battle. He won’t jump on you immediately, but he will get stronger as the fight goes on, eventually delivering that one punch that causes the referee to intervene.
Fight Result: Lose by TKO (Round 4)
Pioneer Pete (UW-Platteville)
This may be the toughest one to judge of all the WIAC mascots in terms of the result. Pioneer Pete looks like the Roy Nelson of the mascots. He has an unassuming body and likely has no cardio, but Pete is a grinder. He works in the mines all day and has nothing to lose. Add in some underrated strength thanks to having to swing a pickaxe all day and some giant feet, and Pioneer Pete will be a problem. He’s got that one-punch knockout power, and the only question is when, not if, he catches you with it.
Fight Result: Loss by KO (Round 5)
Freddy the Falcon (UW-River Falls)
I know I said earlier that falcons often create problems in fights, but look at this guy… come on. Don’t get me wrong, he has a low center of gravity and likely has good lower body strength, but outside of that, he has nothing going for him. He’s clearly never been in a fight before and, if you can take him to the ground, he’ll look like a fish out of water. Add in some ground and pound and Freddy is going to tap the moment you get close to sinking in a submission.
Fight Result: Win by Submission (Round 2)
Stevie Pointer (UW-Stevens Point)
Stevie is clearly the most complete fighter out of the WIAC mascots and he has the stamina to go as long as he needs to secure the victory. He’s strong from head to toe and can overpower most people. Stevie is just as comfortable turning the fight into a boxing match as he is taking the fight to the ground or grappling against the cage. He has a strong chin and will not go down easily. While he won’t put you down or likely get you into any trouble, he will control the fight and not allow you to gain control of the fight.
This one will go to the scorecards and Stevie will put those puppy dog eyes to use against the judges.
Fight Result: Loss by Split Decision (48-47, 47-48, 46-49)
Blaze the Blue Devil (UW-Stout)
Blaze is clearly more bark than bite. He only cares about upper body strength and definitely peaked in high school. He’s going to come out of the gates swinging fast and furious. If you can evade the first few wild punches he throws, he’ll gas out quickly. If you can frustrate Blaze and draw out the fight a little bit, he’ll get careless and open himself up to that one shot that puts him down. He’ll claim it was an early stoppage, but everyone watching will know he was just saved from himself.
Fight Result: Win by KO (Round 3)
Willie Warhawk (UW-Whitewater)
This is the first WIAC bird that will actually create problems in the octagon. His upper body may be stacked, and he may look like a gym bro, but he’s clearly more of a Joey Swoll type of guy. He will have you beat mentally before you even step into the ring. A loss will feel inevitable and, after a certain amount of time, you won’t be able to evade his power shots to the body. He’ll cut you down and finish with some nasty ground and pound on the canvas.
Fight Result: Loss by KO (Round 4)